It’s been said that leaders should lead by example. I believe this to be a true statement and have a personal history with the tumultous journey of leading by example when the ‘S*%T’ is hitting the fan in every area of life. Historical trauma symptoms can wreak havock on your ability to validate your self-worth and undermine your self-respect. For someone walking through trauma recovery, the notion of leading by example could cause them to break out into a cold sweat!
Stay with me for a moment…
Imagine if you could see what happens when we sneeze. “A sneeze is a semi-autonomous, convulsive expulsion of air from the lungs through the nose and mouth, usually caused by foreign particles irritating the nasal mucosa. A sneeze expels air forcibly from the mouth and nose in an explosive, spasmodic involuntary action”. (wikipedia)
Not unlike a sneeze, trauma survivors can exibit coping strategies and behaviours that seem to “forcibly expel (sometimes) explosive and in involuntary actions”. Keeping with this analogy (the source of foreign particles), or in a survivors case the traumatic event, is the source or cause of the behaviour. Sneezing is a mechanism to protect our body against harm, disease and foreign particles. Coping strategies and some behaviours are also mechanisms that protect us from real or perceived harm or threat; for example the fight or flight response.
Walking through trauma recovery can be a slow and life-long journey. The impact of trauma on the brain and nervous system can make it difficult to function in life the way we want to, hope to or even believe we should. Trauma can change how we act, think and feel inspite of what our deep core beliefs are telling us. Historical trauma symptoms are apparent when the important parts of the brain, all working together (amygdala, hippocampus & prefrontal cortex) are not able to regulate and manage stress.
Now imagine someone placed in a leadership role, trying to lead by example while struggling to cope with personal trauma behind closed doors. For some of you reading this article, this terrifying and isolating experience may resonate with you. For anyone who has experienced the debilitating symptoms of trauma responses, it can be like living a double life. For leaders impacted by trauma, living inauthentically with feelings of isolation, helplessness and lack of self-regulation, it can undermine your self-worth, credibility, and even perceived personal values.
Here are 4 questions I’ve explored through my own healing journey:
- My life is such a mess, how can I possibly fulfill my leadership responsibilities?
When the rubber hits the road & the S*%T hits the fan we offen feel overwhelmed, like the ultimate failure. The truth is, life is messy! Family history, cultural norms and unforseen circumstances all have an impact on our life experiences. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! When self- doubt creeps in and you are second guessing your ability to fulfill leadership responsibilities, ask for help. Reach out to trusted colleagues, mentors and professionals to support you in your recovery to health and healing.
- I’ve made so many mistakes and poor choices, how could I ever have any credibility?
Let me be clear right off the bat; the subject of accountability, responsibility and choice is broad and complicated. In no way do I underestimate the deep impact and weight of disregarding accountability, acting irresponsibly or the repercussions of making poor choices. All of us (even if we prefer not to admit it) have been on one side of the coin or both. In my own life experience I have been on both sides of that coin and the impact on others and myself has left a swath of deep hurt and lasting repercussions. These are the painful truth lessons in life. Understanding the deep effects of trauma in a person’s life does not nullify the impact of their choices or behaviour, but it can help to deconstruct, process and ultimately bring healing from the impact. Sitting with trauma, reaching out to professionals for support and taking responsibility for your own healing can help steer you on a new course. We cannot change the past, but we can definitely change how we behave in the future. With time, deep healing and humility, we can begin to trust in our renewed, healthy values and develop new pathways for a credible and healthy life. Our journey through trauma to a free and healthy way of living builds self-respect and credibility with others over time. Trust the process and embrace the power of change that healing offers.
- Other people’s lives are so perfect, what could I possibly have to offer as a leader?
If there is one thing I can personally attest to as a survivor, it’s the deceptive lie that you are alone in what you are experiencing! The influence of “perfect”social media posts, climbing the corporate ladder and generally comparing yourself to others insidiously dismantles your self- esteem. We’ve all heard it before, “no one is perfect”. This is what I call the human factor. We are all human, living in a complicated and imperfect world where violence, biases, racism and harm have affected most of us, if not all of us. What you have to offer is the ability to hold space, have empathy and create an inclusive and supportive environment for others that (guarenteed) are or have experienced something similar. Leadership skills can be learned but life healing is a brave choice we make and an invaluable gift that we have to offer others.
- Leaders need to be strong and put together. How could I ever disclose what I’ve experienced? Disclosure is a very personal decision. No one should ever be required or feel pressured to disclose any or all of what they have experienced. Period! That being said, some survivors choose to disclose some or all of their experience at different times in their life for various reasons. In this response to the above question, I am speaking specifically about survivors who do choose to disclose. From my own personal experience, I have both disclosed and not disclosed various aspects and circumstances of my journey at different times, to different people and in different ways. What I have come to understand in my own healing process is that disclosure (in my case) has had a multi-level impact. On one level the impact has been intensely personal in dispelling the myth that I am alone and dismantling the fear that I will not survive. On another level, disclosure has encouraged me to trust myself and others and dive deeper in my healing journey. As a result of this, I’ve had many opportunities where I chose to engage with other survivors to hold the space, be a caring and trusting support and walk beside them in relationship and unconditional love. How or if you decide to disclose is always up to you. Your strength on this journey will come in many forms and regardless of disclosure or not, your choice to explore your own healing makes you a courageous and fierce leader!